AK, Deconstructed

Warning: This is a serious post. Continue reading if and only if you’re very interested, or if you’re really bored to death. I’d love to entertain you for a few minutes.

I decided to compose this page after a brief self-recollection of my life thus far. Truth be told I found it highly unsatisfactory. It led to question why I would feel this way. Having meditated on it for a long time, I came to a few conclusions, and most naturally,  I figured I’d pen them down here.

I could be wrong about my conclusions, and I understand that they may not agree with your opinions. But I’m just saying what I think, and as my thoughts evolve, so will this post. So here you go, a breakdown of my personality as I see it.

OCD

People who encounter me just about anywhere would more often than not tend to notice that I am a weird (I used to say ‘eccentric’, but I’d only be praising myself that way) guy. My actions and reactions to things sometimes warrant much facepalming. It is kind of like giving yourself a elvish name that makes no sense and expecting everybody to call you that, or being overjoyed that a bunch of kids at school are beating you up for your birthday and jumping for joy when they’re done with you because you think they ‘care’.

I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s not medically proven, but I think I have it. Some OCD sufferers like to touch the corners of rooms. Some feel comfortable washing their hands all the time. As for me, I always stand under the shower facing the left. I always increase/decrease the audio volumes of my TV/ computer by multiples of five. I constantly want to express myself, even if they are most insignificant little things. That’s why I have this blog, and that’s why you notice that I like to talk a lot. I am a grammar Nazi and I make sure that I speak good English all the time (not a good habit if you want to save money on text messages, hawhaw).

I like to elaborate a lot (which would explain why I use brackets extensively). If I were to write a letter to you to, say, ask you to help me do something, it would contain just about everything I know and wish to say about what I want, including how I feel about your opinions, even if it’s not worth mentioning. “I understand that you still have a family and a job, so please feel no pressure in doing what I’ve requested without comprise on personal interest”: this is a true example of an e-mail I sent to a friend one time.

The Emo Kid

In a way, I consider myself a perfectionist. I easily notice flaws about myself and I’m very sensitive to them, so you can imagine that I’m not having an easy go. Combine this with my irrational urge to express myself and you get an annoying little kid who can’t stop talking about his problems to people who largely do not need to listen.

I am, really, an immensely self-deprecating person. I remember this moment from a motivational course I attended in at 16. Everybody was made to write a letter addressed to themselves, to forgive themselves for past mistakes and create self-support to help sustain a positive learning attitude for the then-upcoming ‘O’-Level examinations.

I was in despair. Initially I could not even bring myself to start writing. Not because I thought it was pointless or mushy (well maybe partly so), but mainly because I know my mind knows that I know that I am beyond redemption. I could not bring myself to forgive myself.

For the sake of getting things over and done with I bitterly forced myself through an meaningless exposition that was just words and nothing much else. Things came to a head when an imperative given was to sign off with ‘I love you’. LOL how mushy. Anyway I outright refused to do it, because to do so would be to tell to myself what my mind knows I know my mind knows is a plain white lie. Funny story, but it was that serious.

(FYI, I did manage to compose the entire letter in the end, months after the motivational course. I still have it lying somewhere around the house.)

A Comedian of Errors

If you’ve met me before I might seem to be like this really fun-loving, effervescent, really shameless guy who is not afraid to throw his pride away to do something epic, but I must admit, every time I look back at my past, and all the stupid ways I had acted then, I shudder and feel this excruciating bullet shot straight through my heart (lol). I knew I had ruined my childhood, and there was no way I could restore that. It hurts extremely to receive flaming comments from other people who describe my faults and show disapproval of me, because I value my reputation as a good, perfect person (too much).

For example, I used to talk a lot of dirty during my preteens. There were idiots who would crack horny jokes in class all the time. Thinking it was cool, I foolishly followed them, and began acting like them. This ‘upbringing’, coupled with my childish, ill-timed and uncalled-for mannerisms, soon turned me into an obnoxious kid with a dirty mind. I would start telling these jokes to other people, people who hate listening to such awful things, people who don’t care, and people who are trying to avoid me. That was the a bad name I created for myself then.

At the very least, I feel happy to know that I am now in better control over myself, and that the community of people I had interacted with at that time are now largely out of touch; no malevolent ghosts of this past can resurface from hearing of their recollections of me.

Fie, Thou Liest!

The overt importance I had over my image had turned me into a liar. It started from young, as a kid I liked to make myself look good, and I liked to be part of the in-crowd. So I began to make exaggerations about my life, telling people things I’ve done that I hadn’t actually, hoping that I would make them think, “whoa, this guy is pretty cool guy (talks a whole lotta rubbish and doesn’t afraid of anything).” The inevitable downfall would be that lies could only take me that far.

Case-study: I was at this camp one time, and I heard a bunch of guys talking about the online game Defense of the Ancients. I had never played DotA before, but I was eager to join in and make myself cool (on the internetz we call it ‘extending the e-penis’) with some hip in-thing discussion. Instead of going for the humble “hey I heard about this game before but I never played it, what’s it all about?”, I bragged, “oh, DotA. I play it all the time.” “What hero?” a guy asked. I was stunned for a second, but coolly continued my bluff. “Blademaster.” This elicited suspicious looks, as you might imagine, because in DotA the Blademaster hero is referred to as the Juggernaut. My bluff was called, and I suffered twice the fall because 1. They now know I don’t play DotA and 2. They now know I’m some cheap-shot braggart.

At one point of time, lying became second nature to me. I would find myself lying even when I myself saw it unnecessary. If my dad called from his office and asked if I had taken my lunch, even if I hadn’t, even when it was okay to just tell him that I hadn’t, I’d just say yes. If he to ask I’ll continue to make stuff up.  I was alarmed, naturally, so this prompted a conscious effort to attempt to curb this bad habit. There has been improvement, I have managed to hold back my exaggerations for the most part, though I still falter at times when I lose focus.

Don’t Say Lazy

I am a hedonist. I love doing things for my own enjoyment. It is a perfectly understandable philosophy of life. That is why we walk on earth; to have pleasure and enjoyment. That said, I tend to take this philosophy too far. I has made me not lose belief in hard work, unless I absolutely think it will give me near-instant gratification. That is why I do not work well with long-time goals. Notable examples of such long-time goals include my PSLE and ‘O’-Level examinations.

People who have studied in the same classes as me would be fairly used to my handing in of assignments late/ not handing in assignments at all/ being victim to a teacher’s harsh and humiliating reprimanding. It is by and large an encumbering and persistent bad habit of mine. It is persistent, as I have not made any considerable effort in curbing it. I could say that I’m too lazy to change my lazy attitude, and just be content with this endless recursion, but that is not entirely true.

I am still diligent, but only and only where it counts. I have willingly worked late into the night putting my Stormtrooper costume together, because I was fully aware of the potential fun and enjoyment it would bring me. My laid-back attitude towards my studies over a certain year would turn dead serious weeks before the final exams because I know it is the only time worth expending effort to revise (good thing I’m a good reviser). I undeniably possess the attribute of laziness, but I know it is just my (risky, damaging) way of enjoying as much of a pleasing life as possible. I honestly hope to be able to find a job later on in life that is relevant to my interests; I can enjoy doing what I do and I can get paid for it. Life would be so great.

Lord I’m Doing All I Can/ To be a Better Man

I don’t blame OCD for having made me the way I am. There is no point. Instead I am focusing myself on reform. I am looking upon this as life’s personal challenge for me, and I think it would only be fair if I took this challenge by the horns. Because I know that after overcoming this challenge, I will see improvement in my life. It hasn’t been easy, I must admit. I haven’t managed to overcome it completely yet, and I don’t think I will anytime soon, but as I look back at my previous blog posts, I am quite satisfied to see that my behaviour has been losing it’s immaturity. Of course, looking isstill never easy for me, I couldn’t help but feel a sting as I noted how terribly childish I was back then.

“You think too much. You think before you do something, while you are doing something, and after you do something.”

Quoted from a friend, this phrase pretty much says on behalf of everybody else who has noticed what has been observed of me. And I knowthis is not far from the truth. I am just trying to be more cautious about the things I do so that I would not have to regret my actions later on and feel bad.

Single, and Proud of it

I was too easily infatuated by pretty faces and charming personalities in the past; pair this up with my tendency to do dumb things and you get a winning formula to make girls avoid you like the plague. I’ve had a fair share of heartbreaks; my heart has broken so much that I should think it is now unable to function properly, leaving me unable to really comprehend this thing called love. (Haddaway, anyone? What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more…) I am quite happy with the way things are now, without the need to make commitment, the freedom of looking at as much ‘other’ women as I want, and the comfort in knowing that I need not share my money with somebody else.

If you’re a lady and I told you you looked hot I’m not trying to pick you up, I’m just expressing my aesthetic taste . For the record, it’s not like I’m gay, because I still appreciate the attractiveness of a woman.

The Stormtrooper Story

I sometimes suspect that the real reason I chose to join the 501st Legion and be a Stormtrooper was because I liked the idea of being able to goof off like a certain Danny Choo while most importantly being able to conceal my identity to the general public (although, goofing off is not really what a trooper is obliged to do lol).

I can be a real clown in armour sometimes, and the fellow members in the Singapore Garrison, being the nice people they are, have come to accept me for it (sometimes we even act silly together). I am very happy with the way things are now, and to ensure I stay happy, I have been keeping my wackiness in check.

It is quite childish, I know, to want to wear a costume just to play around in it. But I have come to accept it as partly my reasons for enlisting in the Imperial Army. After all, I do love the idea of playing the fool without the repercussions of people knowing the real fool inside. And I think it’s okay to be this way as long as I’m enjoying it. Of course, I do know that besides being able to have fun, I chose to join the Legion because I had a passion for roleplaying, rendering community service, bringing smiles to people’s faces, and most of all out of my love for Star Wars.

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