I developed a cough and a cold last Saturday, and kept it over the next few days, up till now.
That meant I did not do anything enjoyable on Sunday other than sleeping and swallowing Panadol, skipped school on Monday and caught the Academy Awards on TV (congrats to Crash for winning Best Picture), and skipped school again today, including NCC training later on in the afternoon.
During this long period of absence from school, I managed to take some time off the seriously think about my position in school. I concluded that I wasn’t really that popular and well-liked, usually despised and shunned (to some extent), and found it hard to make friends.
Yesterday afternoon, as my dad was driving me home from a visit to the doctor, he asked how I would be notified about the homework I might’ve missed during my absence. I told him a friend would most probably drop by the house and pass it to me, knowing that a lot of my friends knew where I lived. Turns out, nobody came that afternoon. The next day, dad asked me about it again, and I told him what happened (or rather, what didn’t happen). At this, he muttered blithely, “You have no friends.”
I am in the Science class. The class that was supposedly the best in my level. And I came from Dunman Secondary, a school of higher quality than this here Junyuan Secondary.
I was supposed to be smarter than everybody. I had a PSLE aggregate score that way surpasses all of them. I was supposed to best the best. Yet, I am not.
I had become one of the worst. I was still lazy, irresponsible, irritating, and unpleasant.
My homework is rarely done on time. My work attitude is like crap. I tend to do things without thinking of the consequences and stuff. And the list goes on…
Even my NCC career isn’t going as planned. I’m beginning to shirk my duties as Admin officer, a position so low yet does the most taxing and tedious jobs, and apparently my “senior” CSM wasn’t too happy about it. That bastard had threatened to demote me if I continued this kind of servitude. How do you demote someone who’s already at the lowest position of the hierachy?
He really pissed me off, and I felt like quitting the NCC for good at that time.
Then I thought back, and realised, it was all because of me. Fawwaz wouldn’t have threatened me with a demotion if I hadn’t been slacking off and not attending meetings. Yeah, it all boils down to me once again.
I questioned my existence. Why am I alive? Do I live to wreck the lives of other people? Do I live to ruin my own life? Do I live to fail?
Only time will tell. It’s too early to seriously consider anything at the moment.

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