I have a freaking problem…


Dear reader (even to some whom I feel should never come near this blog, cos I say bad and biased things about people sometimes), I have a problem, which has been plagueing me for years now.
Everybody has a problem with me. And that’s my problem. I’ve got a problem with them thinking about problems about me. And it sucks and much as it is confusing.
See, I don’t feel appreciated in school at all. It’s like, everybody just wants me dead or something, so long as I don’t interact with them at all.
This kind of mentality I have lived with for several has somehow come to terms with me, but it can always burst into flames quickly and unexpectedly at times, when my physical being and the weaker side of me can’t take it.
I never talked about this during the past, not even once, but just a few days ago, when it happened again, I decided to blog all about it. As quoted from Eminem’s song, Like Toy Soldiers, “I was supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure”. For those of you involved (you know who you are), be thankful this will never reciprocate from me. It is not how I react.
For a long time, I’ve been disliking a guy in my class called Shaun. He’s arrogant and lame (or at least, lamer than me). yet people enjoy his company, and this I can’t understand.
Anyway, there were two instances where I got really pissed off by him.
After school, at said date, I was waiting for a group of friends from NCC who were going to discuss some NCC business with me. I sat alone at an unbrella-table in the courtyard. Not long later, I met a friend of mine who used to join me during Chinese classes last year, Joshua. He was waiting for somebody pertaining certain choir stuff, and sat with me at the table, breaking into conversation.
Who should come by another few minutes later, but Shaun. He didn’t need to do much to get me irritated.
“Joshua, why are you sitting with Ananda?” was all he said. Joshua didn’t reply. I raised an eyebrow at Shaun as he walked away.
I didn’t need to tell you what happened next, because… Nothing happened next. Life returned to normal.
Yet, something inside me was throwing its temper. Who the ‘fudge’ does he think I am? A piece of ‘sheet’? I went through the rest of the day feeling downcast, but nobody knew it. I never showed it. I have learned how to hide it from years of experience with this sort of thing.
And while I was still down, he kicked me again (not literally).
A day later, it was my birthday, and so was Koh See Wee’s (another guy in my class, for those who don’t know). he’s my evil twin, see, but I can be eviler than him, only I never show it, again.
yet another classmate, farah, wrote a message on the whiteboard, announcing the special (actually, not-so-special) event.
And that was when Shaun shot his mouth off again.
“See Wee, why do you share a birthday with Ananda?”
Now, I’ve always hated my birthdays at school, cos nothing eventful ever happensand rarely does anyone shows any affection whatsoever (no that I need any, mind) (Also, let me thank Grace and Farah for remembering my birthday. I’m actually very touched), but when he said that, it made me hate this occasion even more. Again, I never revealed it. This didn’t make me hate Shaun anymore than I already do, though. Must be the Angel inside me diong all that forgiving. If that is so, thanks a lot, my Angel.
But that wasn’t the end of the whole chain of insults, though.
I remembered it was on a Wednesday, after the Haji holidays. Jing Xin had brought her guitar to class for her guitar emsemble CCA after school, and, doing what I had been doing every Tuesday and Friday last year with another friend of mine, asked if I could borrow it during recess. She agreed without hesitation.
So there I was, strumming away on that classical guitar, feeling the taut nylon on my fingers, listening to my voice-less music (cos I simply can’t sing to save my life) of a certain Green Day song.
And hateful memories came back.
See, last year, I was the number 1 enemy of a certain clique of girls in the class (To this day, I cannot remember for the life of it what the hell had occurred that made this so). They often made coughing noises when I was around, critised whatever I said and did, and that included my guitar-playing during recess, which they called ‘noise pollution’. Now, this caught on with others outside the class, so I suppose you know what happened next.
Someone else had shot off her mouth again.
“Noise pollution!” Admonished Gladys. I silenced the guitar stings abruptly with my hand. The gears in my mind clicked. I felt bad all over again.
Nobody would be able to see it, though. My facade is, as always, effective.
Guitar playing was the only physical talent I had (mentally, I’m intelligent, and a very good thinker, feeler and listener). If you had only one talent in the whole wide world, and cherished it deeply, and someone comes along to cuss about it, how would you feel?
Gladys had also imitated that dreadful coughing sound whenever needed, but while this treatment was rare, it was still hurtful inside.
I know bottling it up won’t do any good, but what could I do? Make an outburst and create that long-lasting impression to all one-sided people who are against me that I am nothing but a jerk, and that I could be aggravated easily, and insult me even worse than before? I don’t think so.
I made up my mid to talk to somebody one day. The opportunity is there.
What opportunity?, you may ask.
Dear reader, I have the greatest educator/mentor I have ever known in my history of education as my form teacher.
Mr. Jae, as he likes to be called by his students, is very fit and possesses the gift of gab, so it’s not surprising he teaches English and P.E. Besides that, he is the one of the only people outside my family who actually bothers. I feel very blessed to be under his guidance and teaching, and I know I will not be able to repay his kindness and care back in full, though I am committed to trying. I take this gift from God as an opportunity to let all this steam out someday, and I’m dead sure that’ll help.
Anyway, after seeing the dark tunnel I’m in, and the light at the end of it, I hope you will finally understand how wealthy some of you are to be out of my predicaments. Thank you for any of your sentiments, however small.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s